- I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
- This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
- Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
- I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
- I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
- If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
- If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
- I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
- I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
- Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
- I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
- I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
- You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
- I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
- One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
- I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
- Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
- "You Were an Accident"
- "You Are Different and That's Bad"
- "The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
- "Dad's New Wife Robert"
- "Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share"
- "Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"
- "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
- "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
- "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
- "All Cats Go to Hell"
- "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
- "That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"
- "Grandpa Gets a Casket"
- "The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"
- "The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"
- "Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"
- "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
- "Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"
- "Your Nightmares Are Real"
- "Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"
- "Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
- "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
- "Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff"
- "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
- "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
- "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
- "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
- "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
- "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say 'God Did It'"
- "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
- "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
- "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
- "Bi-Curious George"
- "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
- "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
- "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
- "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
- "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
- "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
- "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.
Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
To have little fun. Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
There was an Old Lady
There was an old lady
Lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
"Testify" comes from the the Roman practice of affirming the truth of a statement made in court by swearing on one's testicles.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
In Tucson, AZ it is illegal for women to wear pant
In CA it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license
In Pueblo, CO, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits
In Sarasota, FL, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
In Quitman, GA, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
In Gurnee, IL, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride a horse in shorts.
In Chicago, IL, it is illegal to fish in your pajamas.
In Indiana, monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes.
In Wichita, KS, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In New Orleans, LA, it is considered “simple assault” to bite someone; it is “aggravated assault” if the biter has false teeth.
In Maryland, it is illegal to mistreat oysters.
In Massachusetts, it is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
In Mississippi it is still legal to kill one’s “servant”.
In Whitehall,Montana, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
In Elko, NV, everyone walking on the streets is required to wear a mask.
In New York City, "It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand."
In OK, People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
In Rhode Island, it is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.
In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
In Texas, It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
In Vermont, it is illegal to whistle under water.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Here lately I find myself asking myself alot of these question. I don't always have an answer and Im sure alot of the questions I'll never be able to answer. All I can do is reflect on the past as a learning experience of things that work and things that don't. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That reason is to teach us. Life is a sort of revolving door. Every situation wil come back around and you have the choice to make the right or wrong decision again. I like to think that looking where I am today, I have gone through the cycle a few times. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can now say I've learned to make better and smarter choices in my decisions. My life is finally heading back in a positive motion. I've learned to trust again. I've learned to open up and let my walls down. I've learned I will be let down at times in life, but my true friends and my wife and my family will still be by my side when the smoke clears. I've learned that when I'm right or wrong, sometimes its better to just let it go. I've learned that when I'm wrong, its best to apologize and mean it from the heart. I've learned that everyone has their problems. I've learned that being patient isn't always easy. I've learned that everything always works out for the best, even if it doesnt seem that way immediately. Most of all, Ive learned that marrying your best friend is the best decision anybody can ever make.