Thursday, May 29, 2008

Mitch Hedberg

  • I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
  • This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
  • Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
  • I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
  • I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
  • If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
  • If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
  • I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
  • I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
  • Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  • I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
  • I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
  • I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
  • You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
  • I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
  • One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
  • They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
  • I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
  • I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
  • Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?
  • I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  • On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Children's Books You'll Never See

  • "You Were an Accident"
  • "You Are Different and That's Bad"
  • "The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
  • "Dad's New Wife Robert"
  • "Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share"
  • "Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"
  • "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
  • "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
  • "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
  • "All Cats Go to Hell"
  • "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
  • "That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"
  • "Grandpa Gets a Casket"
  • "The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"
  • "The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"
  • "Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"
  • "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
  • "Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"
  • "Your Nightmares Are Real"
  • "Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"
  • "Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
  • "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
  • "Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff"
  • "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
  • "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
  • "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
  • "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
  • "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
  • "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say 'God Did It'"
  • "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
  • "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
  • "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
  • "Bi-Curious George"
  • "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
  • "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
  • "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
  • "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
  • "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
  • "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
  • "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

Nursery Rhymes You Didn't Learn as a Child

Mary Had a Little Lamb
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Georgy Porgy
Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
To have little fun. Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.

Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

There was an Old Lady
There was an old lady
Lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Birthday Job

So yesterday I posted that I was waiting to see how my birthday would go. Around 4pm I got the call. The company called and great news came from the other end... I GOT THE JOB!!! Im not sure who was more excited, me or Brooke. I was so excited I couldnt call Brooke fast enough to give her the good news. I was excited to get the job, but even more excited because I finally got to give Brooke some good news she's been waiting to hear. She's stuck with me through the whole ordeal, my whining, complaining and impatience. Thats a good woman! Anyway, today I get to FINALLY turn in my two week resignation. Ive been waiting for this day for a LONG time. So needless to say, today Im getting absolutely nothing accomplished at work. Oh well, Ive given them 4 years of slave labor already. They've gotten enough out of me. Phase one, Find a new job....COMPLETE. Now on to Phase two......

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Birthday Presents

Last night we went to eat with the in-laws and a couple of friends for my b-day at TJ Ribs. Sister-in-law has jokes and wrapped 20 boxes each with a page of Useless Knowledge for me to open. Inside the final box I found my present from her, Ben, Allie and MIL and FIL... A NEW BBQ PIT!!! Then I opened my present from my BEAUTIFUL wife. She gave me the sweetest card and a COVER FOR MY NEW PIT!!! Last I opened a big gift bag with Strawberry Shortcacke on the outside from Pallas & Brent. They gave me a VEGETABLE TRAY FOR THE GRILL and UTENSILS!! Brent picked out my card and appropriately enough, to match the bag he bought me a little girls birthday card. It says I can boss all the boys....He aint right, but pay backs a you know what. After dinner, Brooke brought me a cookie cake. It was delicious, but I think I ate too much. Im looking forward to getting home and putting the pit together and hopefully firing it up to cook us some grub!!!

Birthdays Can Be Cruel

So today is my 33rd birthday. Granted birthdays are fun, but when you are waiting to hear about a job you've applied for...not so much. Here's my dilema. I applied for a position with a company about 2 months ago. Its been a long drawn out process. 2 interviews, a test and a side saddle later, Im still waiting for a "Congrats, you got the job!" or a "Sorry, you suck and we hired someone else!" This call is supposed to come sometime today because they are going to make a final decision. Now this could be a GREAT birthday if I get the job, however, this could be a completely miserable birthday if I dont get it. So here I sit....waiting....and waiting....and waiting.... I guess if you're reading this you too will now be waiting....and waiting...and waiting to see if I get a great birthday present or a box of dog crap. Ill be back later when the results are in. In the mean time feel free to wait with me. Did I mention how much this sucks?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Proud To Be White!!

Proud To Be White Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. ...And then there are just - Americans.
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You Call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman," ... And that's OK.
But when I call you Nigger, Kike, Towel-head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You Have Yom Hashoah.
You have the NAACP.
And you have BET.
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) ... We'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day ... You would call us racists.
If we had White History Month ... We'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ... We'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that?
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships ... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly-proclaimed Black-only Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White-only Colleges" ... THAT would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, ... You would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride ... You call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer who is running from the LAW and posing a threat to ALL of society ... You call him a racist.
I am proud. ... But, you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

"Useless Knowledge"

Ok so anyone that knows me, knows I’m all about “Useless Knowledge. The kind that’s only good for playing Trivia Persute or sending stupid emails. So I’ve decided to put together some “Useless Facts”.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

"Testify" comes from the the Roman practice of affirming the truth of a statement made in court by swearing on one's testicles.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

In Tucson, AZ it is illegal for women to wear pant
In CA it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license
In Pueblo, CO, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits
In Sarasota, FL, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
In Quitman, GA, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
In Gurnee, IL, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride a horse in shorts.
In Chicago, IL, it is illegal to fish in your pajamas.
In Indiana, monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes.
In Wichita, KS, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In New Orleans, LA, it is considered “simple assault” to bite someone; it is “aggravated assault” if the biter has false teeth.
In Maryland, it is illegal to mistreat oysters.
In Massachusetts, it is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
In Mississippi it is still legal to kill one’s “servant”.
In Whitehall,Montana, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
In Elko, NV, everyone walking on the streets is required to wear a mask.
In New York City, "It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand."
In OK, People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
In Rhode Island, it is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.
In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
In Texas, It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
In Vermont, it is illegal to whistle under water.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Last Lecture by Professor Randy Pausch

Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch, who is dying from pancreatic cancer, gave his last lecture at the university Sept. 18, 2007, before a packed McConomy Auditorium. In his moving talk, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams," Pausch talked about his lessons learned and gave advice to students on how to achieve their own career and personal goals.

http://blip.tv/file/470635

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Ever Just Stop and Think...

Have you ever just stopped to think why this or why that? Do you ever wonder why or how you've ended up where you are in life? Do you ever wonder why people like or dislike you? Do you ever wonder why you've taken or missed opportunities? Do you ever wonder about how you've treated others in you life, present and past? Do you ever wonder where you life is headed and where its been?

Here lately I find myself asking myself alot of these question. I don't always have an answer and Im sure alot of the questions I'll never be able to answer. All I can do is reflect on the past as a learning experience of things that work and things that don't. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. That reason is to teach us. Life is a sort of revolving door. Every situation wil come back around and you have the choice to make the right or wrong decision again. I like to think that looking where I am today, I have gone through the cycle a few times. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can now say I've learned to make better and smarter choices in my decisions. My life is finally heading back in a positive motion. I've learned to trust again. I've learned to open up and let my walls down. I've learned I will be let down at times in life, but my true friends and my wife and my family will still be by my side when the smoke clears. I've learned that when I'm right or wrong, sometimes its better to just let it go. I've learned that when I'm wrong, its best to apologize and mean it from the heart. I've learned that everyone has their problems. I've learned that being patient isn't always easy. I've learned that everything always works out for the best, even if it doesnt seem that way immediately. Most of all, Ive learned that marrying your best friend is the best decision anybody can ever make.