Thursday, May 29, 2008

Mitch Hedberg

  • I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
  • This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
  • Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
  • I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
  • I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
  • If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
  • If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
  • I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."
  • I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
  • Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
  • I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
  • I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
  • I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
  • You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
  • I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?
  • One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
  • A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
  • My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
  • They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
  • I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait."
  • I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
  • I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
  • When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
  • Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." How you'd pull that off? What's that camera look like?
  • I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  • On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

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